Staring over and F#@& those who don't care!!!!

Procrastination is the devil, Hunny!

"If you wait to do something until you think it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything!"

I think we have all heard that said in many different ways and have all taken our own spin on it's meaning. Here's mine!

I have had the idea to attempt to jump from short stories and spoken word to an actual novel for a few years now. I tried doing an outline and all the technical things I've learned in school to prepare for the transition and always got caught up in the details. I tried interviewing people who lived the lives of some of my characters and always got caught up in socializing. I tried so many different avenues and found so many different excuses to stop or stall and all of that good stuff. I kept saying it wasn't the right time and just stuck to what I already knew and was used to. Thinking subconsciously that it would freakin write itself. I mean I had daily daydreams of finishing the book and being the next Terry McMillan but did nothing to help that dream come true. Afraid that I would fail without even putting forth the effort to succeed. I finally sat down and realized that I was really disappointed in where I was in life and that it made no sense considering I was blessed with gift to create beautiful and entertaining fiction but never stepped out of my comfort zone to promote it and receive the benefits from it. I wanted to live a glamorous life without putting in the sweat and tears to make it possible always looking for the right time and circumstance (whatever the hell that is...) to make it happen. Once I finally stopped having pitty parties and stopped being afraid, I began to write my "baby"!LOL I stopped looking for everybody else to be my cheerleader and shook those damn pom-poms myself!LOL As I would occasionally read back to myself some of my writing, tears would stream down my face, thinking none of this would even be happening if it weren't for me finally believing in myself. Procrastination is the devil himself and you have to make the devil a liar and make your dreams come true cuz nobody else will!!!

So I'm in love...what now?!?

"Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it and then you don't know what to do with it."

Very funny but VERY true!LOL

...So, I am staying up to all hours of the night and morning, online, searching for Ms. Right. I mean it took long enough to come to grips with the fact that I'm gay and love everything there is about a woman and feel absolutely great about loving myself and finally not only being honest with myself but being honest with others. I mean, I'm like practically walking up to strangers on the street just to announce that "I'm a lesbian and freaking proud of it!" The problem is I'm 33 and extremely set in a lot of my ways. I'm pretty open minded as far as politics go and such but when it comes to my home and personal likes and dislikes...well, I'm as stubborn as it gets. I love my personal space and need tons of it. I can't stand to have somebody all up under me all damn day! I'm probably the only person who loves the concept of the dreaded "long distance relationship"!LOL We talk as much as we can and see each other for only a few days at a time if that and that is cool with me. Most would say I'm not really ready for love or a relationship but I beg to differ. I am pretty lonely and miss the touch and feel of a woman doin those nasty things we LOVE to do. I simply just don't need it everyday and can get bored and irritated if I do have it every day. I think I have gotten so used to living on my own that I don't know how to do it any other way. I've been in love and loved every minute of it...even the bad times...but, the relationships that lasted the longest and were the deepest were the ones where we lived far away from each other. They would ultimately end due to the other person not being able to handle the distance and either cheated out of being (from what their cheatin' asses have all said...LOL) lonely or stating they missed me too much and started putting ultimatums in the air about somebody having to move and such , while I would be living in a really ignorant state of bliss, truly content with only seeing each other a few (if that) times a month. I hate dating and the whole getting to know somebody stage so yes, I'd rather be in a long term relationship with somebody I love and vice versa but practically living with somebody and sharing my entire life (including never getting to shower alone...what is that shit?!?) is just a bit much and can cause me to shut down and turn into the biggest bitch there is. I found that with men...this attitude was doable and even appreciated...only, I used men as toys and never took them seriously. Could never find true love or comfort with a man and found sex a chore and something used to just simply get off (mainly for him!!!) But with women, I am looked at as this tease of sorts and a player even though that has nothing to do with my state of mind (and heart). I can be totally in love and faithful to the woman I'm dating but not want to see their ass every day. Am I just a heartless bitch that deserves to be alone?!? I'll leave it to the masses to discuss!LOL I am really ready for love and a relationship. To be able to share my dreams and thoughts with somebody who actually cares about me and can reciprocate all that I put out. I mean don't get me wrong...I love to cater to somebody and make them feel like the queen they deserve to be...breakfast in bed, and romantic dinners, and exotic desserts served on me...lol...washing your hair and greasing your scalp and providing lil sweet for nothing gifts just because...I am a total romantic-when I want to be...which makes not seeing each other everyday kind of work out because I have time to not be that when I don't want to and not hurt or dissappoint anyone. I don't know, people talk to me and tell me what you think!!! Hugs and kisses...Nette